Hi there. I wrote this with a weak heart. I should write few talks bout sleep paralysis or nightmares, but lets jump to this.
First, I cant drive a long time before. It is I cant. I will drive, but I cant before.
It is a thought that steer gonna crash someone. I afraid. When I finally drive, everyone tells I am fast. It just, drive fast will excite me. If I drove slow, I am afraid I will have much time to be alone in car. The sound will appear. And I will listen to my own self crying.
Second, I always wish this is enough.
God, please this is my last post. Please let me die. God, this is my last deed, please let me die. God, this is my last book, please let me die. God, this is my last story, please let me die.
When I had finished my study for degree level and have that kind of stop, I will ask for a death. God, Idk what to do. I dont want to feel hurt anymore. Please, this is enough. I dont wanna hurt anyone too.
It is force-able life. You give me another day, you want me to have Hopes with you.
But the cloud is there, God. Cloud is Yours. Take it please. With me too.
Can I come to You? Look, there is people told me that I did nothing to save them. Look, there is people violently said only them are in vain. How could them, without knowing me too? Only You know when I saw someone in vain, I will have it in my dreams too. I felt it, too. Did they feel mine?
God, I want to tell you. I was sick mentally, and this illness is Yours.
I want to die, but You didnt let me, yet.
There is a Life, so there is Hopes- said Stephen who didnt even believe You.
Idk if anyone will read this as same what I felt, but believe me it is temporary. If you feel that hurt, or in phase that you really end it, make yourself meet with some kids. You gonna learn something from them, Future. At least their little Hopes. Also, avoid yourself from taking care the older, you will feel real burden and the feeling diri sungguh tak berguna. Be with younger, so you knew how far you have become, and you will be able to get some courage or root for yourself to hold on.
God is Maha Adil. Maybe I didnt get to die as I want, but He let me wrote this passionately.
Not everyone will share their suicidal thought looks like.
But I just did.
With something I did, when I felt it, or feel it again.
Believe His Loves, That what made us, anyway.